Thursday, March 13, 2008

Epiphany and Announcement! It's a Long One!

First of all, you guys are all awesome! Thanks for checking up on me! I have had a crazy week with work and worked about 43 hours Mon - Wed. Which is awesome since I have two more days left in the week! Regardless, you guys have been in my thoughts and when I have a spare moment or second in my day, I hop on Cynthia, Krissa or Cathy's blog sites to see what's happening but haven't had time to blog (much less sleep!).

I remember when I read Krissa's post from the MWA forum where she "came clean" about how she was feeling about her body, her eating habits and her decision to not compete. What she shared was the deepest part of her and was completely honest. I hope the following will be viewed the same. Krissa and Cynthia - you guys are such a great example of being true to yourself and listening to your psyche and your body.

As most of you know, I just got married in August and am just about to hit my one year anniversary with my job. When I started my job, I was still ramping up and didn't really feel the full level of work that would be required of me until around October or November. My hours picked up dramatically and then I got sick a couple more times....had an injury and was still working crazy hours. While all of this was happening, I was continuing to work toward my goal of competing in a national show in September knowing full well that I would need to add some serious mass (hence the continued mention of the bulking plan). Over the last few months by body fat has gone up, my tone has gone on vacation :) and my attitude about myself has gone way down. My negative self talk and frustration is something I deal with multiple times throughout the day and it has probably bordered on depression. I had essentially taken off 3 months from training!!! My eating is at about 80-90% - I pack clean food every day but I wouldn't make as healthy choices while eating out.

Well.....I was walking my dog the other morning thinking about competing in November (the last pro qualifier of the year) instead of September to give myself those three months back. And then I started thinking through bulking plan and then I started to beat myself up over not getting to the gym and how yucky I felt trying on clothes, etc.

And then it hit me.

Why am I doing this to myself? I don't HAVE to compete this year. WHOA. Big thought there. What I do HAVE to do is feel better about myself. And to do that I need to cut myself some slack and let go of the last three months. I need to focus on getting to the gym and not letting work get in the way of my training or my health (mental and physical!). I need to focus on feeling better about my body image.

So then I started thinking about the obstacles and barriers I have had recently:
  1. Work: My busiest days are Monday and Tuesdays - why not take one of those as my day off and the other workout early am or at night and not try to go over lunch. Wed - Friday my schedule frees up tremendously as I don't have hardly any pre-scheduled meetings.
  2. Training w/Debbie: I was training with Debbie at 5am which means I have to get up at 4am and means I usually get very little sleep the night before and feel exhausted for the next two days - sometimes even getting sick after a few days of training like that. Why not find another time of the day to train with Debbie?
  3. Self Image/Attitude: Eliminate negative self talk. Period.
  4. Adding Mass: I was struggling SO much with this - feeling like if I added mass I would become thicker and bigger than I already was and therefore be even MORE frustrated with how I felt about myself. I think this was actually the biggest reason I was struggling to get into the gym - I didn't want to add mass at 21-22% body fat. When I had the epiphany that I didn't HAVE to do anything but feel better about myself, it was like 1,000 pounds lifted off me.
  5. Marriage: It is definitely important for me to spend quality time with my hubby and make our marriage as solid as possible. I am not sure I want to make those sacrifices so soon in our marriage.
I contacted the NPC and also asked Jenny Lynn and found out that I have two years to compete in a national show - actually until the end of 2009. This will give me an entire year to focus on getting my body fat to a level I feel good about myself.

  • Feel better about myself and my body.
  • Get body fat to 16% by end of April. Will do the math later and share what that means for weight in fat lbs and lean mass.
  • Determine by end of May what show to do.
  • Be open to the possibility of not competing but STILL having fitness be an integral part of my life.
  • Continue to blog to share my journey and lean on my blogger support system.
So my friends, there it is. I have talked through this with a couple of my friends and they all feel 100% on board with my thought process. Would love all of your thoughts.

Missed you guys.

P.S. And who knows - maybe I will still want to compete in November!! The point is - why paint myself in a corner??? The world should be my Oyster!!


Cathy said...

Jess, you are right on girl!
Take care of yourslf and those you love and the rest will happen when you want it to.


Anonymous said...

Good choice. Good solid decision. Sounds like your post competition blues was a little delayed whereas mine was immediate and ongoing for 6 months!

You don't HAVE to do anything. When your goals conflict with what it is you really want...well then it's time for a change of goals.

Good job.

Anonymous said...


My little lover.. You are the bomb and you know I'll be there for you no matter what. I love you with all of my heart and I want you to be happy in everything that you do. Just have fun with it- That's how you got going with this deal in the first place. I think that is a fundamental difference with my training and yours- I do it (at my own pace), compete- just for the sake of competing, and have fun!!! You are on a mission!! There is a huge difference and if you peel back a bit and not put so much pressure on yourself you may even go back to having fun at it. :-)

Hang in there and I'm with you all the way and then some!

Your hubby.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure this was not the easiest decision for you to make, which makes this all the more awesome! GREAT decision and when you are ready to compete again we'll be the ones on the front row cheering you on. You are AMAZING and I admire you now more than ever for doing what's right for you!

Love ya sis!

EM :) said...

Wow Jess. That was a wonderful post. Doesn't it feel great to get your "priorities" & "goals" written/typed in front of yoU????
I never got the vibe that you don't like your job, so I'm sure you enjoy it, but DANG if it's not working you into bad health. Lack of sleep can really wreck havok! You think, do I sleep or do I go workout at 5am because I'm not done with work until 8pm....I do hope that you feel like you've had a HUGE HUGE lift off your shoulders! Just keep "talking it out" or bloggin, and we'll be right here for ya, every step, every decision. :) How encouraging, huh????
No really, thank you for sharing what's going on!!
HAVE A GREAT DAY, and rest that body!!!!!!!!!!!

Cathy said...

Jess, I LOVE your hub mans comment.
You are so blessed!
Enjoy your day!


Jessica said...


Thank you SOOOO much. I had to sit at my desk facing forward (away from walkers by) when I was reading all of your comments because of how much they touched me (I teared up - BIG TIME!). I am so fortunate to have such a WONDERFUL support group. My post competition blues did kick in late BUT I also wasn't being open or honest with myself or any of you. I just needed to take a deep breath and know what the right thing to do was - which was to give myself a friggin break! :)
You guys are TRULY incredible! I will keep bloggin every step of the way and can't tell you how much your support means to me (especially you my piddle).
I feel SOOOOOO much better! I KNOW I am in the Tree of Trust (Old School - classic quote) with you guys so no holds barred! :))
Thanks again guys! YOU ROCK!

Jessica said...

I am blessed! :) And I am thankful for it EVERY DAY!

Anonymous said...

Hey! I am just a random (frequent) reader and I am cheering for you. You are doing what is right for you and that is the most important decision you can make! hang in there! I love reading your blog. I check it most every day. :-)

Anonymous said...

I have been wondering if your load was too big for you right now. I am so glad you "came clean" about your feelings. Its funny because I have also changed my way of thinking from a quick fix to a year long solid lifestyle figure-outer. Like me word there? I could pin point the right word. I just want to find a balance in my life. Like you, I am also in a new job, new schedule, getting married here shortly, so there are big things on our plates. And of course all these things are higher priorities than wearing hooker heels on a stage. (even though I know its much more than that. :)

That was really sweet of your husband to post his message. Its funny because he sounds EXACTLY like my fiance. He has sent me emails like that often when my attitude turns south. He is always there to lift me up. Both of them are right though. Andy (my fiance) doesnt feel like he HAS to do any of this. He really does it because its fun to him. I think we have lost the fun in it because we get too obsessed with our body. We forget that it is fun to workout and eat healthy and run fast just because we have gained a few pounds.

It sounds like you found some inner peace today. I bet you do feel better.

We will all be here to support you along the way.

Krissa (ignore typos. Lost is about to come on and I dont want to edit. :)

Anonymous said...

I looked over it anyway. I meant, "my" and "couldnt."


Jessica said...

Hey guys,
I did find peace today. And a HUGE part of that peace came from you guys. I am so thankful and grateful to have each of you - even those of you who are "random". :) POST MORE OFTEN! :)
Thanks for all your kind words.

Power Authority said...

Good Job!

Start with the 30-

Cya soon