I remember when I read Krissa's post from the MWA forum where she "came clean" about how she was feeling about her body, her eating habits and her decision to not compete. What she shared was the deepest part of her and was completely honest. I hope the following will be viewed the same. Krissa and Cynthia - you guys are such a great example of being true to yourself and listening to your psyche and your body.
As most of you know, I just got married in August and am just about to hit my one year anniversary with my job. When I started my job, I was still ramping up and didn't really feel the full level of work that would be required of me until around October or November. My hours picked up dramatically and then I got sick...got better...got sick a couple more times....had an injury and was still working crazy hours. While all of this was happening, I was continuing to work toward my goal of competing in a national show in September knowing full well that I would need to add some serious mass (hence the continued mention of the bulking plan). Over the last few months by body fat has gone up, my tone has gone on vacation :) and my attitude about myself has gone way down. My negative self talk and frustration is something I deal with multiple times throughout the day and it has probably bordered on depression. I had essentially taken off 3 months from training!!! My eating is at about 80-90% - I pack clean food every day but I wouldn't make as healthy choices while eating out.
Well.....I was walking my dog the other morning thinking about competing in November (the last pro qualifier of the year) instead of September to give myself those three months back. And then I started thinking through bulking plan and then I started to beat myself up over not getting to the gym and how yucky I felt trying on clothes, etc.
And then it hit me.
Why am I doing this to myself? I don't HAVE to compete this year. WHOA. Big thought there. What I do HAVE to do is feel better about myself. And to do that I need to cut myself some slack and let go of the last three months. I need to focus on getting to the gym and not letting work get in the way of my training or my health (mental and physical!). I need to focus on feeling better about my body image.
So then I started thinking about the obstacles and barriers I have had recently:
- Work: My busiest days are Monday and Tuesdays - why not take one of those as my day off and the other workout early am or at night and not try to go over lunch. Wed - Friday my schedule frees up tremendously as I don't have hardly any pre-scheduled meetings.
- Training w/Debbie: I was training with Debbie at 5am which means I have to get up at 4am and means I usually get very little sleep the night before and feel exhausted for the next two days - sometimes even getting sick after a few days of training like that. Why not find another time of the day to train with Debbie?
- Self Image/Attitude: Eliminate negative self talk. Period.
- Adding Mass: I was struggling SO much with this - feeling like if I added mass I would become thicker and bigger than I already was and therefore be even MORE frustrated with how I felt about myself. I think this was actually the biggest reason I was struggling to get into the gym - I didn't want to add mass at 21-22% body fat. When I had the epiphany that I didn't HAVE to do anything but feel better about myself, it was like 1,000 pounds lifted off me.
- Marriage: It is definitely important for me to spend quality time with my hubby and make our marriage as solid as possible. I am not sure I want to make those sacrifices so soon in our marriage.
- Feel better about myself and my body.
- Get body fat to 16% by end of April. Will do the math later and share what that means for weight in fat lbs and lean mass.
- Determine by end of May what show to do.
- Be open to the possibility of not competing but STILL having fitness be an integral part of my life.
- Continue to blog to share my journey and lean on my blogger support system.
Missed you guys.
P.S. And who knows - maybe I will still want to compete in November!! The point is - why paint myself in a corner??? The world should be my Oyster!!